In the Immortal words of Lil' Wayne: I need a Winn-Dixie Grocery Bag full of Money

I hate money. Who's with me?
Lately I've been stressed about money like never before. We've had a few incidents (heart surgery, floods, market instability) that have come at the most inconvenient time, and I'm feeling the pressure to start contributing. 

I have a Masters Degree from a prestigious school. I should be paid for simply existing, right? 

Wrong. (I totally want a refund. False advertising.)

I've been thinking about the various talents that I have, and how they could possibly make me money. Here are my options. I'd appreciate your thoughts:

1. Play Scrabble for a Living

I play online Scrabble with up-and-coming YA author Jody Sparks. Over the past couple of weeks, we had an epic game that involved two Bingos (where you play all the letters) and words like Jarl. 

We kept tweeting to each other about the brilliance of our moves, and how amazing that last word was, etc. I think I even lost a few Twitter followers, who couldn't handle the awesome. 

We're considering taking our Scrabble talent on the road. Selling some tickets to watch the madness. (We average one to two words a day, so one ticket to the match would equal entire days of edge-of-your-seat excitement.)

2. Live by my Pen

Currently, the only way I could live by my pen is if I sell my pen. Have you a need for a pen? It's a long, thin, rounded device used to apply ink to a surface for the purpose of writing or drawing, usually on paper, and for the low low price of $20,000, the pen can be yours.

If that doesn't work, Andy Roddick fan Michael Bourret will soon be submitting my book, and if all goes well, maybe there's a publisher out there who will pay me a whole bushel of pens. Which I could then turn around and sell. 

If my book doesn't sell, I've heard that one pen in the hand is worth two in the bush, so I plan to double my current inventory by holding all my pens in my hand, and then going to the bush in my back yard to claim my treasure. 

3. Professional Tennis Watcher

The U.S. Open starts today, and you know what that means... my main squeeze Rafael Nadal will be Live from New York, in all his wedgie-picking grandeur.
For the low low price of $20/hr, I will teach you how to sit on your couch and watch tennis like a true professional. Ever wanted to know how many times Rafa picks his wedgies during the match? I can teach you how to count!

Watch a wedgie-pick once, and you are satisfied for a few moments. Teach someone how to track thousands of wedgie-picks over the course of a career, and that person will be entertained for life.

4. Subscriptions to my Blog

If I divide up my debt between all of my faithful blog followers, I think that would give me a boost. So mom, you owe $10,000, and Sam, you owe $10,000. 

5. Could someone please explain to me exactly how a Ponzi Scheme works? Just for curiosity's sake. 

6. On an unrelated note, is it really illegal to sell a child? Or is it only illegal on paper, but overlooked in actuality. Like polygamy. 

7. I have a metal detector, and I plan on surveying the beach out at the Great Salt Lake. I've heard majestic ships have been marooned on its shores.

8. Are my blog readers opposed to a banner on the side of my blog, advertising for GIRLS GIRLS GIRLS?

I'm open to other ideas. Anyone have words of advice? Anyone in the market for a set of Cutco Knives?

I hate money.