My Recap of the Eclipse Movie For Dummies

The Eclipse Movie in 12 Easy Steps:

1.  In the beginning, Edward proposes to Bella, interrupting her beautiful recitation of a poem in the meadow. Or it might have been her math homework. I'm not sure. I couldn't understand her.

(He proposes every other line in the movie, so if you miss it the first time, don't worry.)

2. Jacob, Bella's spurned other man/wolf, confronts them in the parking lot, accusing Edward of lying to Bella. He tells Bella he's no longer talking to her and he doesn't want her in his life. She must have misheard, because she hops on his motorcycle and takes off.  Apparently this high school is the optional kind.

3. Edward promptly forgets he just watched her ride off with Jacob, and spends the time pacing so hard his eyes turn black. When she gets back, he's all, "Do you know how worried I've been? Where were you?" and she's all, "Derh, didn't you see me ride off?" 

4. She forgives him, and he proposes again.

5. Charlie's worried about Bella's relationship with Edward, and so he begs her to connect with her old friends, who are all totally lame because they don't have superpowers, especially Jessica because she totally harshed on Bella for riding off with a scary-motorcycle guy just so she could see the ghost of the vampire who ditched her. You call that friendship?

 6. Meanwhile, some redheaded chick (not Victoria, because Victoria's all fierce, and this girl is all doe-eyed) is running through their forest, looking like she's lost.

7. In a giant step for equal rights everywhere, Edward gives Bella permission to see her friend Jacob. Bella and Jacob reconnect, ending their fight, and reaffirming that Jacob does, indeed, drive a motorcycle.

Again, it's okay if you missed it the first time. 

8. Meanwhile, the werewolves stand around looking awkward.

(Okay, so what are we supposed to do with our hands?)

9. The red-headed non-Victoria chick is birthing newborn vamps for a war with the Cullens. We know a big fight's coming, because the Cullens are all dressed alike in their team uniforms.

10. Jasper (looking slightly better since he lost his ringlets from New Moon) teaches everyone how to fight Newborn Vampires, because he was in the Civil War, which everyone knows was fought between the North and the Newborns.

(Jasper and Alice, demonstrating the best way to take them down is to hug them in the middle.)

9. They have plenty of time to frolic in the woods, because the Newborns can't possibly cross the river... Oh crap!

10. A big fight ensues, but don't worry, because Edward took Bella to the safest place possible. Bora Bora? No. Provo, Utah? Of course not. He takes her to the mountain top, in a tent, where he's surprised the sub-zero temperatures mean it will be cold. But at least she's far away from the fight. By like a hundred yards. And everyone knows vamps aren't that fast.

11. Bella's lips are turning black, but never fear, because Jacob's there to warm her up, and we finally have the answer to the love triangle: a threesome in the tent. Everyone's happy. As proof, Bella kisses Jacob and Edward's okay with that.

12. Everything's fine until Edward accidentally blabs that he and Bella are engaged. To make sure the message sinks in with Jacob, Carlisle breaks all of Jacob's bones, while the werewolves stand outside looking awkward.

... and they all lived happily ever after.

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Free Book Friday Winners, and the Subtlety of Twilight Fans

Howdy, y'all.

And the FBF (Free Book Friday) winner is...

Britt!

Email me your choice of books from the picture below. (Give me two options, in case I don't have the first choice. I'm too lazy to take a new picture.) I really love this Free Book Friday stuff. I'm learning so much about all of you. As a heads up for this coming Friday... Watch out, you Lurkers!

My Blog Readers are Dedicated, but not so Creative

So, I loved hearing about everyone's imaginary friends after Monday's post. But I have to admit, the names of said friends left a little to be desired.

Some of the Names:
1. House
2. Computer
3. Potato
4. Bobby
5. Can't remember the name. Can't even remember if imaginary friend was a boy or girl. Which begs the question: If a nameless, sexless imaginary friend falls in a forest, is it still an imaginary friend?

Actual Blog Post
It's sorta been a non-crazy week. Usually I have a topic in mind when I blog. But not today. How about a numbered run-down of my week until something pops up?

1. Sam and I played tennis for about 45 minutes on Thursday, until Sam got tired out and wanted to quit. Just as I was trash talking him (C'mon, wuss! Are you a man, or a chihuahua?), channeling Serena (I'm gonna take this --------- ball and shove it down your ----------- throat) and pullin' out my Compton moves (imagine "Oh noh, you did-ehn") I collapsed to the ground, clutching my right shin, in severe pain.

Seriously, I couldn't breathe, it hurt so much. Sam had to basically carry me out of the gym.

Now for the worst part. The following day, my lower leg started to swell. And then BOTH legs started to swell. You're probably thinking the same thing I was thinking: Blood Clot or Pulmonary Embolism. (Okay, I got those from WebMD).

I told my sister about it (her hubby's a doctor, who puts up with my neuroses) and she immediately left her dinner party to come over. Only problem was, she brought her entire dinner party over to my house, to check out my legs.

After her hubby poked and prodded my legs, and asked me a series of questions like "You still have arteries right? and You're not in your 60's, correct? and Do you recall leaving your kidneys anywhere?" he came up with a diagnosis: Cankles.

Yes, my sister's entire dinner party (for her birthday, I might add) filed into my living room to get a good look at the tree stumps heaven accidentally game me in place of real legs.

It was the best birthday present I could've given her. Next year, I plan to reveal the strange looking mole on my lower back. Tickets are required.

2. Kid C lost his second tooth. Swallowed it, to be more precise. The first tooth he lost, he physically lost the darn thing while he was hiking. I told him the tooth fairy would let it slide just once.

Now he's swallowed another tooth. He's scared the tooth fairy isn't going to be so forgiving this time. So we're waiting anxiously for it to appear again so he can get his quarter. When do I get my "Mother of the Year" award?

3. I got these Twilight earrings for my birthday.

The inscription says, "Show off your Twilight Obsession with style and subtlety."

Yes, because Twilight fans are anything if not subtle.

I can just imagine wearing these beauties at a party, and I look across the room, and another woman is wearing her Twilight earrings, and we both give each other a subtle nod that says, "We are too elegant to lose our composure right now, but if Edward actually existed, we'd both leave these Shlums we're married to, just so we could cover our bodies in paper cuts. Enjoy the party, comrade."

I'm spending today at B&N for a marathon writing day. How are y'all's weeks going?

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Wanna Meet a Bunch of Authors? and Help Children Read?

Guess where I’m going on Saturday?

Sorry, I should never start a blog with ‘guess where I’m going’. Like anyone could really get the answer right. Like anyone cares enough to make an educated guess.

I should’ve started with, “Anyone want to meet some really cool authors?”

But it’s too late. According to ROB (rules of the blog), I must face the repercussions of my original question.

So, did anyone guess Ogden? And those of you who guessed Ogden, did you further guess the Treehouse Museum?

You did? You win!

I’m going there to get my first page critiqued by some awesome authors, for charity. Wanna mingle with the likes of Shannon Hale, James Dashner, Anne Bowen, Sara Zarr, Emily Wing Smith, Bree Despain and many many more? Then join me!

If you don’t have a first page, type one up. You have almost 24 hours. You can type a page in 24 hours.

Here’s the info:

http://www.treehousemuseum.org/events_and_calendar.php


I tried to take the charity one step further by offering a one-page critique from Smokey the Hairless Cat. But apparently even charity has its limits. (They said that something that ugly could not possibly give a kind critique).

All of the proceeds go to the Treehouse Children’s Museum. Sam complained about me doing yet another writing outing – on a Saturday, no less - to which I responded, “Why do you hate children?”

Hope to see you there!

Wildlife Wandering Past our Blog

Thank you for being kind to the wildlife (yes, you, James) on Wednesday’s blog, and not scaring him away. You can follow more of his hilarity on Twitter (Yesterday, I think he tweeted about a mole, or something). But, as you observe his strange ways, please refrain from feeding the animal.

Conversations with Lucy and Ethel

I went to dinner the other night with “Lucy” and “Ethel” of the famous Twilight Virgins post.

It’s nice to have friends like Lucy and Ethel. Sometimes I get so caught up in eating and breathing YA books (not good for your health. I wouldn’t suggest it), and I forget there’s another world out there. Somewhere.

I was explaining to Lucy and Ethel the different genres of literature, and how Young Adult is it’s own genre, with all sorts of sub-genres like realistic fiction, literary, blah dee blah boop.

They asked what I write, and I told them, “Y.A. paranormal.”

Blank stares.

Me: “You know. Paranormal. For teens. Same genre as Twilight, except mine’s a bit more sci-fi.”

Blank stares.

Me: “Ugh. Remember Twilight?”

Lucy: “Wasn’t that a movie we saw?”

Me: “Yes. Good. But now I’m talking about the book.”

Ethel: “They made a book from the movie?”

Me: softly pounding my head on the dinner table.

You may think I’m kidding. But only if you’ve never met Lucy and Ethel.

Later in the conversation, Lucy told how she made her second-grade son finish a 30 page math project, even though it wasn’t due til the end of October.

The teacher praised her boy, and showered him with gold stars and dancing elephants.

Then Lucy asked how my own Kid C is doing in first grade. All I could report was that Carter came home from school that day, carrying a homework folder with the name “Abby” at the top. Every page inside it had this Abby’s name as well.

I confronted Kid C.

Me: “Carter, why does your folder say 'Abby' on it?”

Kid C: “Abby?”

Me: “Yeah.”

Kid C: “That’s weird. ‘Abby’ wasn’t his name.”

Me: “Wasn’t whose name?”

Kid C (rolling eyes): “His name wasn’t Abby.”

Me: “Whose name wasn’t Abby?”

Kid C: “Brodi. Listen. To. Me. Lot’s of people aren’t named Abby.”

I couldn’t argue with his logic. Lots of people aren’t named Abby. I defy you to prove otherwise.

Finally…
Sam and I watched the last half of Step Up 2 the Streets. I still can’t believe movie-makers show the “dance-off” as if it’s a shootout at the OK Corral.

A dance-off ranks just below the “rap-off” when it comes to dangerous duels.

So, enjoy my favorite rap-off. (Thanks, Shellie, for reminding me of this little gem.)

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Edward Cullen is in my mailbox... and he tastes yummy.

Housekeeping:
Using my formula of algorithms, biogenetics and a hairless cat, WE HAVE A WEEEEENER

Algorithms: I put all your comments from last week into a hat.




Biogenetics: Researchers engineered a hairless sphinx cat whose sole purpose in life is to draw names from a hat. (I know. He's not happy about it either.)




Smoky the Hairless cat: picked a name.

The winner: Emily Ott
Your signed copy of Laurie Halse Anderson's book Speak is on its way.


Wanna win another signed book? Today is the last day to enter a question for Sydney Salter (author of My Big Nose and Other Natural Disasters). Everyone who contributes a question (in the comments section) gets entered in a drawing to win a signed copy.

Okay, on with the post.
MY HUNKY MAILBOX SURPRISE

The search for Edward is over. He was hiding in my mailbox.

It’s true. I spent the day writing at Barnes and Noble, and when I got home, I found Edward had left me secret love messages in my mailbox.

No, these are not Valentines hearts. I scoff at the thought.

These are Forbidden Fruits. Did you hear that? Forbidden Fruits.

He then drew a self-portrait because, of course, he doesn’t show up on film. Edward is such an artist!









The messages are cryptic, yet easy to decode.

LIVE 4 EVER = Live forever

I HEART EC = I love Eating Candy (Edward knows me so well)

BITE ME = No, really, please bite me. Again.

There’s even a secret scent, which you have to rub to reveal. I didn’t get a chance, because I couldn’t find Edward anywhere, and I so desperately wanted to rub him!


I rubbed Sam when he got home, but all that revealed was the faint smell of donut.

Printed on the box were “Secrets of the night”, including Edward’s full name (Edward Anthony Mason Cullen), his birthday, and perhaps the most passionate secret of all: Both Bella and Edward are juniors at Forks High School.

I have just one question: Who is this Bella chick? And does anyone know where she lives? I promise I'm not gonna hurt her...

I stepped into the Twilight and opened the forbidden fruit.

It tasted like a mix of partially dehydrogenated pepto bismal, and my son’s sidewalk chalk.

I can see why it’s forbidden. Apparently they didn’t account for the possibility that people would actually eat the stuff.

Thanks to Dorien and Grace for the mailbox surprise!

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