Ted Status: He's alive and well!

Newt Status: Newt's threatening to contract a communicable disease if I continue ogling the Mac Notebook.

Have you read Twilight? Okay, dumb question, because I bet 99.9% of the people reading this blog have read it. I happen to be good friends with the two ladies who make up the 0.1% of the non-readers.

I went to see the movie "Twilight" with these two friends. Seriously, it was one of the funnest, funniest nights of my life lately. Below, I will attempt to recap our conversations throughout the entire show. Most of you know the obsession with all things Twilight, Edward, Bella, Jacob, so hopefully you will find the humor in this.

My two friends did have preconceived notions of the book: there was a vampire. His name was Edward. That's about it. Join me, on a tour of Twilight, with the virgins.

To protect the identities of Raina and Alissa, I'll call them Lucy and Ethel.

L&E: "Wow. Edward's hot."
me: "That's not Edward."
L&E:"Who is it?"
me: "Jacob."
L&E:"Who's Jacob?"
me: "He's a friend/Quiliute/shapeshifter/werewolf."
L&E: "Huh?"

L&E: "Okay, there's Edward. He's pretty cute."
me:"That's not Edward either. That's Mike."
L&E: "Oh. Does she end up with Mike?"
me: "No. Despite her numerous suitors, she never ends up with anybody except Edward."

L&E: "So that's Edward. What's up with the coif?"
me: "I think it's sort of like his trademark 'do."
L&E: "He looks good straight on, but there's something wrong with his profile."
me: "That's in the book. Stephenie Meyer was very specific about Edward's profile being his only flaw."
L&E: "Seriously?"
me: "No. Edward doesn't have flaws."

L&E: "Vampires climb trees?"
me: "Apparently."
L&E: "Is that in the book?"
me: "I don't think so. Neither is the phrase "Hang on, Spider Monkey"."

L&E: "Vampires read minds?"
me: "Not all of them. Just Edward."
L&E: "Why can't he read her mind?"
me: "Ummm, I'll tell you later."

L&E: "What's wrong with his skin?"
me: "It's the sun."
(Edward says it's the "skin of a killer").
L&E:"It doesn't look like the skin of a killer. It's sort of sparkly."
me: "Um, Yeah."

L&E: "Jasper's hot."
me: "I know. I totally agree."

L&E: "I thought they didn't eat people?"
me: "That's only the Cullens."
L&E: "Why is James only after Bella?"
me: "I don't know."
L&E: "Does it end happy?"
me: "It's Stephenie Meyer. It always ends happy."

L&E: "Seriously, does his hair ever calm down?"
me: "I think they have paid professionals to make sure that never happens."

L&E:"Does he turn her into a vampire?"
me: "Not right now."
L&E: "When?"
me: "After she becomes impregnated and bears their hybrid spawn."
L&E: "Huh? Vampires can have babies?"
me: "Oh, man."

Seriously, it was so much fun! So go out and find your own Twilight Virgins (they are hard to spot, trust me, and no, you can't borrow mine).