Showing posts with label caffeine. Show all posts
Showing posts with label caffeine. Show all posts

Sam's a Greater Man Than I... and He's Conspiring Against Me.

How about some very important status updates?

Solitaire games played: 520
Win percentage: 15.3%

WHAT I LEARNED FROM SAM'S POST

There seem to be two camps of people:
1. Those who think I should have noticed the $282 total charge for one book.
2. Those who think Sam shouldn't have left the stupid doorknobs in his virtual basket in the first place.

So, which camp are you? You can tell me. I won't hold it against you. It's not like I know where you live. Or do I?

Sam is much more magnanimous than I am. What he calls my "adventurous spirit", I refer to as "attention deficit disorder."

He'll often say to me, "Honey, if I die first, I just want you to be happy. If you find someone who makes you happy, get married."

me: "Thank you. And if I die first..."

sam: "Yes?"

me: "I want you to follow soon after."

sam: "But what about the kids?"

me: "If they're over 18, with good prospects, then follow me."

sam: "What if they're still little?"

me: "Stay and raise them until they are viable. Then hit the gas pedal and head for a cliff."

sam: "Wouldn't you want them to have a mom?"

me: "Nope. They've got my mom, your mom, and my sister. That's enough mom for anyone. And trust me, if you feel tempted to find someone else, I shall haunt her all of her living days."

sam: "You don't believe in ghosts."

me: "I'll find a way."

So, yeah, there is a total double standard. And you ladies who were waiting for your chance with Sam? Consider this a threat.

THE MOCHA HONEY

Speaking of double standards, my lovuhh Rafa will be playing in the French Open starting next week. (It's a double standard because Sam would never be allowed to call someone his "lovuhh". Except Rebecca DeMornay. He's always had a thing for her, and I don't really mind because she's not so much this...

she's more this...

And that's not to say she's not beautiful or anything, because I'd give up a lot to look as good as she does, but still... Sam is welcome to date her. Magnanimous, right?)
Anyway, back to Rafa. The French Open is played on clay courts, and Rafa was born on a clay court. (I think that's actually true.) So tune in when you get a chance.

LOST SEASON FINALE

Holy Brain-blower Batman. Does anyone else feel like the creators of Lost have crossed the streams, causing total protonic reversal? (Can anyone name the movie?)
I won't ruin anything for those of you who haven't seen the finale, but I will say I bet you a meeelion dollars the writers are just as confused as we are. Only they've taken it so far, there's no way we can prove it.

Oh, and detonating a hydrogen bomb should never be a "go-to" plan of action. Just as a general rule.

CAFFEINE UPDATE
So, the key to quitting caffeine is not blogging about it. I haven't quit cold turkey, but I've significantly reduced my caffeine footprint.

The problem is, last night when I had my first Diet Coke in a long time, I went crazy. Like, in the literal sense. I started accusing Sam of "conspiring" against me. Who says stuff like that?

But I was so enthralled with the word "conspiring", I couldn't stop myself. Normally, I would never act like that, so I can only assume it has something to do with caffeine. Perhaps I shouldn't have quit?

Sam is one confused unhip white dude today.

Yo Diggity, I quit Caffeine.

Housekeeping:

So, we have the winners of the De-Lurking contest. Congrats to Kent (of the naked-graduation-speech daydream. My personal favorite part- "Happy for the attention, uncomfortable in the breeze"). And to Jessica (of the "friend of a cousin, so practically family" variety).

Now for the signed copy of James Dashner's The 13th Reality contest:
If you have brought a recent follower to my blog, could you send me a reminder? Or leave it in the comments? And if you've sent me an email, and I haven't responded, it probably went to my spam folder. I don't know why. I answer emails, so if you didn't get an answer, resend it.


Ugh. That above paragraph was totally boring and repetitive. I know, I'm falling asleep too. Maybe I'll spice it up a bit before I hit "Publish Post." Of course, if the preceding sentence makes it, then that means I failed to spice it up.

Sheesh- I'm only four paragraphs in, and I've probably lost all my new followers. Sorry. I vow, from this moment forward, because I owe it to you, and because you have come to have certain expectations of this blog, I will never, ever, ever... umm... lose my train of thought. Ever again.

Where was I? Oh yeah. Shaking my head at the computer screen, thinking this is like the worst post ever. Did I mention I quit caffeine this week? I'm using the patch. Isn't it amazing that it hasn't affected my blogging whatsoever? Why is my keyboard shaking?

Side Effects of quitting caffeine so far:

1. My head hurts.
2. The sun is evil.
2. Non-caffeine induced migraines are just as bad as the caffeine induced ones.
3. I'm full of rage, but I'm too tired to do anything about it.


Okay, time for the actual real post to begin.

THINGS THAT BUGGED ME THIS WEEK
Probably because I quit caffeine.

1. Hubby goes around, mumbling under his breath, "Yo Diggity, yo diggity, yo diggity."

Now, if you've ever seen my husband, you know there's no one whiter, or less hip. (It's okay, because those were the two things on my "must-have list" when I was looking for a man. #1 Pale. #2 Awkward.)

But if he says "yo diggity" one more time, I swear, I'm gonna blog about it. Sam, consider this your fair warning. One more time, and it's out there, on the Internetz, for everyone to read.

2. Every time I try to say the word "version" it always comes out "virgin". It's now to the point where I don't even know which one is correct anymore.

Like when I'm discussing my latest book's first and second drafts, I'll say, "Oh, I took that part out. That was in a previous. . . [pause to make sure I get the word right]. . . virgin." Extra emphasis on what I think is the correct word.

Conversely, when someone says something like, "Windows version 2.0," I give a little giggle, like he said a naughty word. (All you tech-heads out there, don't you dare correct me that such a Windows version doesn't even exist.)


3. When I Google my name (everyone does that, right?) these references inevitably come up:

#
Sphere | Illegal sex acts throughout the United States | UWIRE ...
4 days ago ago from Brodi Ashton. When Sam first started going over to Pakistan, I was very jealous to say the least. To him, it was all part of the job. ...

#
Everything about bladder lift surgery - Yahoo! Glue
Brodi Ashton: Bladder Enhancements. me: "How did you fix it?" W: "I had a bladder lift." I know what you're thinking, but she's completely serious! ...

#
Flatulance - Wellsphere
Feb 24, 2009 ... Brodi Ashton: BRAIN FLATULANCE...
stanford.wellsphere.com/wellmix360/flatulance - 58k - Cached - Similar pages -

So, I guess my blog posts offer great insight on Prostitution, Bladders and Farts (sorry, readers, for the crass word. Perhaps "Freddies" would be better. Or "Toots". Or, as my mother used to call them, "bunny burps". Yes, it messed me up as a child.)

INSERT SOME SORT OF APPROPRIATE SEGUE, TASTEFULLY GOING FROM BLADDERS TO AUTHOR INTERVIEWS...

Coming up on Monday, the answers to our blog's first author interview. (Those of you new to the blog, we came up with questions to ask an author).

Sydney Salter, author of My Big Nose and Other Natural Disasters, has answered all of our burning questions. I will post the answers on Monday's blog. Unless she reads this post, and decides she'd rather not be associated.


Enjoy your weekend. Anyone got any special plans? I'm off to see that new Trek movie Saturday night. Sam's making me go. I so don't care about seeing it. Oh well. I'd do anything for that non-hip little white man.

Live long and prosper.


Since it's Friday, enjoy the famous line from Snakes on a Plane: the TV edit. See if you can catch the M*** F*** substitutions. Awesome.

Decaffeinating Brodi

Contest Status: Remember- all people who comment this week get entered into a drawing for an autographed copy of Laurie Halse Anderson's book Speak.

We had a great discussion in the comments section yesterday about what is considered offensive material in Young Adult books. There seemed to be a consensus about graphic depictions of sex and recreational drug use.

A couple of comments mentioned that no matter what happens, it has to feel real, and honest, which is one of my favorite things about Young Adult books. Teens seem to have a knack for sniffing out something that doesn't ring true. There's no fooling them!

Feel free to continue the discussion today, or you may choose to answer this question:

DISCUSSION QUESTION OF THE DAY
What would you like to see more of in Young Adult literature? Less of? Are there any issues you would like to see Young Adult authors address? If you're a parent, what do you want your kids reading?

For those of you who weighed in yesterday, and therefore believe you don't have to comment today, ponder this: Cosmic fortune always plays a role in random chance. I'm not necessarily watching to see if you've commented more than once. But I can't say the same for the universe. The fates are always watching...



Did you dig those killer special effects? I especially love the sequence of the floating eyeball, followed by a cheap naked doll, followed by the spookiest image of all: e=mc2.

Personally, I can think of about a million things scarier than Einstein's theory of energy. In fact, I find it comforting that energy is directly proportional to mass. It helps me sleep at night.

Come to think of it, I can think of a million equations more disturbing. How about that Pythagorean Theorem? I remember having nightmares for weeks after learning that in high school. It was seriously some sort of cosmic joke.

SPEAKING OF COSMIC JOKES

I'm trying (sort of) to cut back on my caffeine intake. So I decided to sample some of that vitamin water that everyone's so hip on these days. Only the store didn't have the regular stuff, so I tried this "Fruit 2 0".

I was feeling rather triumphant, until the jitters started. So I took a closer look at the ingredients in my "water".

Fruit, check.
Water, check.
Vitamins, check.

Buttload of caffeine, checkity check.

Figures.

I can only assume the universe does not want me to quit caffeine. The universe does not trust Brodi, the decaffeinated version.

And who am I to fight fate?